Three Drunks and a Ficus
by Porphyrogene
Summary: In a fit of randomosity, Norry decides to host a party that winds up containing more than three drunks.AUOC randomness.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Another (humorous) Norry/POTC story. The basic premise is that Norry has a crazy party! Oh mai.

I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean or Commodore/Admiral James Norrington. I really wish I dod. Anyway. RATHER A.U./O.C. STUFF TO FOLLOW. I know. Read the story, embrace the story, review the story. Become one with the story.

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_**Chapter One: I **__**REALLY**__** Don't Think Now Is The Best Time**_

It was a Friday afternoon in FABULOUS Port Royal, and Norrington was busy cleaning frantically for the party he was about to have. Some of his navy buddies had been upset that no liquor would be involved, but as Norry had explained, he absolutely, positively did NOT need Beckett falling on top of him in a drunken stupor, like he had done at the Naval Academy Graduation Party.

So, what exactly was he celebrating? His freedom from an eternity of having to live with Elizabeth Swann, that's what! After careful review of her two minute tongue tango with Jack, he realized that it was probably for the best that their paths had never been joined—that would have been messy business, seeing as good ol' Liz seemed to be overly willing to kiss anything male (or, in Will Turner's case, relatively male) that so much as staggered across her path! Why, the boys back at the office (meaning the ship) even had a lottery going as to when she was going to lip mash with Davy Jones!

He personally had bets for sometime within the coming 3 days.

It was now just past five, and his party was set to start at 5:45. Against his better judgment, he had invited Will, Liz, and Barbossa. After all, he doubted it would be much of a party with just himself, his ficus, and that damned Beckett who insisted on showing up. Oh, and all his navy friends, who would most likely be outraged at the lack of booze.

The theme as Norry's party (labeled as an EXTREMELY LATE Halloween Bash) was, well, Pirates. It wasn't as if he enjoyed looking all scruffy, grungy, and ruggedly goodlooking. Then again, his next door neighbor's teenage daughter always seemed to be peeking around the hedges when he would get the paper on Sunday in his bathrobe and ratty flannel pants, and if she was taking an interest (albeit a CREEPY one) in his scruffiness, well then, it must be appealing to all the ladies and God knows he really, really, REALLY needed a steady girlfriend to ward off the onslaught of Beckington.

So after scruffing up, putting on some atmosphere music, and setting out the hors d'oeuvres, and putting his powdered wig in his room,—he didn't need Beckett professing his undying love to it, again,—he sat down on the couch and waited for 5:45 to roll around.

And roll it did!

The first guests to arrive were Will and Elizabeth. Figures.

"Hi, James! We baked you a bunt!" Will said, proudly holding up his pastry creation.

"Thanks, but… What…is it?" James asked, inspecting the strange, lumpy looking cake from all angles.

"It's a cake!" Liz explained happily. "And look, it's got little powdered wigs on it!" She pointed at the overly frosting-ed design that could and might have been a powdered wig, if you were Picasso or Dali.

"Well gee," Norrington scoffed. "This is swell." He put the cake on a table and covered it hastily with a black veil. "You guys are the _best_," he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"You _really_ like it?" Will asked, eyes wide and aglow.

"Uh… Yeah. Sure."

"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

"Jeeze, don't hurt yourself," Norrington muttered dryly, sitting on the couch and casting Liz a very concerned stare. "And you willingly married this guy?"

"He's cute," Liz pouted.

"Cute. Right. He's making up his own THEMESONG, for chrissake." Norry pointed out the now dancing and humming Will, who was doing something that looked like a really butchered Time Warp meets Cha Cha Slide.

"He tends to do that…"

"Oh?" Norry asked, interest piqued. "When?"

"Oh, football games, when he wins shuffleboard, after sex…"

Norrington choked on his glass of (non alcoholic) punch. "After what?"

Thankfully, Liz was spared having to repeat herself by the fact that Will had, by now, plopped down next to her and was giving her very smug looks. The next few minutes passed in odd silence. Will and Liz were making googly eyes at each other and doing stupidly romantic things that not only creeped Norrington out, but also made him feel like a pervert for witnessing it.

"You know, I don't think this is the—"

But the doorbell cut him off.

As he plodded over to the door, Norry could hear whomever it was having an argument with (what he hoped was) someone else.

"Well, I don't see how you can get lost getting here."

"It's not the gettin' here that's hard—IT'S GETTIN' BACK!"

"You know there isn't going to be any alcohol involved, right?"

Wrenching open the door, Norry almost did a double take. Standing there was Barbossa, along with Tia Dalma and Davy Jones.

"What on earth are you doing here?" Norry asked.

"Jack invited us," Davy explained.

"But this isn't Jack's party!"

"The monkey, boy, the monkey!!" Barbossa said, brandishing the monkey about 3 inches from Norrington's face. He pushed his way past the disgruntled commodore and led his 'guests' inside.

"Oh." Norry said simply. He would have rather gotten 50 more of Will's hideous cakes than have Tia Dalma and Davy Jones here! Norry had just Stanley Steemer-ed his carpet and now there was icky, slimy muck on it! And everything smelled like fish.

"Uhm… Can you sit on a towel, Mr. Jones, Sir?"

"And why's—say, didn't I kill you?"

Norry scowled. "That's hitting below the belt."

Eventually, though, he managed to get Davy to sit on a towel, and had let in the rest of his guests (which was really just Beckett and the other navy guys). Davy, Tia Dalma, Will, and Barbossa were all playing a heated game of Uno!, and Norry was trying to pry Beckett away from the photo albums marked NAVY, when the doorbell rang.

"Did you invite someone else?" Beckett asked, glaring at Norry.

"There are a lot of people here besides yourself, you know," Norry muttered, going to answer the door. Who on earth could it be? He hadn't invited anyone else and his whole guest list plus two was already there!

Standing on the doorstep were two people Norry had never expected to see: Girl Scouts! They were each holding boxes of very delicious looking cookies that looked MUCH better than Will's sad excuse for a cake.

"Uhm, can I help you?"

The girls smiled. "Do you want to buy some cookies?"

"No offense, kids, but I don't exactly have—"

"We have seven different flavors! They're all really delicious!" another girl piped up.

"Yeah, but I don't think—"

"And we even have low-fat, low-cal ones, and, sir, I think you could use those."

"Are you calling me _fat_?" Norrington asked, clearly outraged.

The girls giggled.

"WHOO! PASS THE KEG, MAAAAN!" came a voice from inside that sounded rather like Elizabeth's.

"The keg? Are you having a frat party?"

"I'm starting to think I—Hey! How do you two know what a frat party or a keg is, anyway?"

"We read."

"Yeah, unlike you, O Illiterate One."

"I am not illiterate!"

"Oh yeah?"

Norrington contemplated calling the navy in to get rid of this girl, but though better of it, and instead gave her a patronizing smile. "What a cute kid you are. Don't you have someone better to harass—I mean, sell cookies to?"

"No."

"So wanna buy some cookies?"

"NO!!!" Norry screamed, having finally lost it. "NO, I DO NOT WANT YOUR INFERNAL COOKIES! My house is being TRASHED and you want to sell me COOKIES?!"

"Uh, yeah."

"I DON'T THINK NOW IS THE BEST TIME!!!" Norry yelled, slamming the door in frustration, and giving it a kick for good measure.

"He's in there," he heard one of the girls say as her companion chuckled evilly.

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A/N: Yep. I guess that was sort of long… I'm sorry. --; I probably could have broken it up but then I would have needed another witty title and… I'm just lazy? Psh.

Uhm. Yeahh... So anyway, I hope you liked it. It's rather pointless but I realized that I cannot really right serious fics. I'm trying, however!!! -shakes fist-

So as I said. Review, enjoy, comment, whatever. I don't know how long this'll go on for... At least 5 chapters? Maybe?


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Chapter Two! Oh my. Isn't it just famazing.

Again: Do not own Norry or POTC. If I did, I'd be happy and rich.  
But if you want to contribute to the Norry-In-A-Box fund…

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**Chapter Two: I See Drunk People Pole Dancing On A Ficus!**

Norrington was much too preoccupied, however, to pay any attention to the girl scout. After all, he really needed to get this keg out of his house! Who KNEW what sort of torture it would bring (i.e., Beckett trying to get Norry to do a keg stand).

"What on earth are you _doing_? Who brought that tap? AND the keg?" he asked.

Beckett raised his hand sheepishly. "You look so cute when you're a scruffy drunk…"

"Do you _hear_ yourself?" Norrington asked, astounded.

"Who wants BUNT CAKE?!" Will asked, holding it aloft.

People stared at it in horror, mostly wondering what on earth it was shaped like. The common consensus was a "dead rat," "mutant seagull," or "Norry's wig if it were exposed to large amounts of radiation."

"Norry-boots," Beckett began, "you want a piece?"

"….Please don't ever call me that again."

"NORRY-BOOTS AND I WILL SPLIT A PIECE!!!"

"DON'T CALL ME THAT…CUTLER…Y!"

"What a lame comeback," Will scoffed, cutting the cake into pieces. He passed around the cake and the keg was safely moved to the basement and locked away next to some disco albums. Things were finally going smoothly…for awhile.

Once again, the doorbell rang, which caused Beckett to get insanely jealous and Will and Liz to start singing 'Roll Out the Barrel' in very drunken accents.

Whomever was out there was rather impatient, seeing as they kept ringing the goddamn bell over…and over…and over.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, jeeze," Norry grumbled, opening the door. "Oh my friggin lord."

Standing on his doorstep with what APPEARED to be the entire contents of a small liquor store was none other than Jack Sparrow. "Hello, mate."

"Don't you 'hello mate' me!" Norry said, pointing a finger at Jack. "What are you DOING here?" Even as he was asking, however, Jack was walking inside, shoving the bottles of rum into Norry's hands.

"Heard you were having a party."

"Yeah, one to which you were NOT INVITED!"

"You're only not invited if you THINK you're not invited! And since I do think that I'm invited even though you think that I'm not invited, which I don't think, I'm invited."

"What the crap?"

"Think about it, mate." Jack said, carting in a small wagon full of rum. "Oh, and, the monkey invited me."

"Do you even _listen_ to yourself?" Norrington asked, looking quite astounded. "A MONKEY!"

"Not just any monkey, mate," Jack said, throwing his arm around Norry's shoulder. "An undead monkey. That talks." He added, poking the poor commodore in the chest for emphasis.

"You're unbelievable," Norry muttered, trying without success to free himself from Jack.

"Hey everyone!" Jack said, once they reached the living room. "I brought liquor!"

"NORRY-BOOTS! You're cheating on me with that syphilis infected flea bag?!" Beckett said, looking rather upset.

"Uhm…" Norry said, not really sure now to respond to such a question.

"I don't have syphilis… I HAVE BOOZE!!!"

There was a cheer of consent from the guests and a pained cry from Norry. This was not going to end well….

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"SHE'S MY CHERRY PIE!!!" Will sang, swaying dangerously on the table and waving a bottle of rum around. "YEAHHH YOU! SHOOK ME ALLLL NIIIIIGHT LOOOONG!"

"Ow OW!" Liz cheered. "TAKE IT OFF!"

This resulted in Will ripping off his shirt and screaming out, incoherently, the rest of _Cherry Pie_ and _You Shook Me All Night Long_. "THANK YOU PORT ROYAAAAAAAAAL!"

"What on earth is _wrong_ with you people?!" Norrington asked, looking around. "For heaven's sake! You think a MONKEY is talking to you!"

"Is that so unbelievable?" asked Barbossa, who was trying to make hard apple cider from a bushel of apples.

"Uh, duh?" Norry sighed miserably and averted his eyes from the scene of horrible drunken singing, and Liz screaming about eating cherry pie.

But then…

"WHOO! GO DAVY, GO DAVY!"

"What in tarnation…" Norry growled, pulling himself away from feeling sorry for himself and walking into the living room from his bedroom, where said emo feelings were taking place. "My GOD man! Have you no SHAME?!" He asked, once he reached the living room, where Davy Jones was pole dancing on his ficus.

"Go Davy, go Davy!" was the chant heard from everyone present, who were clapping drunkenly and sloshing booze everywhere.

"Oh my GOD!" Norry wailed, eyes scalded by both Davy's tentacular form and the atrocities being committed. "No! Stop! You're HURTING MISS SCARLET!!!!"

"Whozat?" Jack asked, looking up from the tower of corks he was construction, obviously thinking Miss Scarlet was some sort of prostitute or some such.

"Nooooo!!" Norry wailed, wrestling the ficus away from Davy. "Miss Scarlet… I'm so sorry… Miss Scarlet! Talk to me!"

"Oh really, boy, it ain't losin' her that's the hard part, it's GETTIN' HER BAAACK!" Barbossa said, patting Norry on the shoulder. "We'll get you another ficus."

"It won't be the same!!" Norry sobbed, hugging Miss Scarlet's now droopy form tightly. "Not the effin' same!"

"Pull yerself together," Jack said drunkenly, "'s only a ficus."

"ONLY a FICUS? Do you hear yourself!?" Norry asked, very offended. "She was more than a ficus, you flea-bitten scum bag!"

Jack raised an eyebrow. "What did you do with that ficus?"

Norrington gave Jack a cold stare and sat down on the couch, glowering out the window. No one understood him…

"Norry-boots?" Beckett asked, scooting closer to the commodore with a smile, "If you want, I'll be your Miss Scarlet…"

"Get the hell away from me, you creep!!" Norry said, smacking Beckett's hand off his leg. "What is wrong with you?!"

"Oh, you look so cute when you're flushed and angry!" Beckett said, reaching over and pinching Norrington's cheek.

"What the heck!" Norry said, getting to his feet. "Can't you get a girlfriend or something?"

"I want _you_ to be my girlfriend!"

Norry made a face. "One, that's disgusting. Second, if we were in a relationship, which I think God we aren't, I think you'd be the girl, not me."

Beckett giggled. "Oh, I like a man who can give orders."

"You're fuckin' messed up."

Liz walked over and held up a slice of bunt. "Oh, here's your cake! You said you guys wanted to share."

"I don't want to share _anything_ with him!!"

"Oh, stop complaining, Norry. Honestly," Liz scoffed, handing him the cake and walking back to Will, who had now sobered up quite a bit and was trying to stop the drunkenness that endangered the well-being of his cake creation.

"Oooh! Norry, this is so wonderful!!" Beckett said, looking way to excited. "You can feed me!"

"What, are you two?"

"It's sensual, you unromantic twit."

Norry scowled and broke off a piece of the cake as Beckett opened wide. "What?"

"Don't be so _coy_, Norry!"

Norrington shrugged and ate the cake. "Holy CRAP! This is amazing!!"

Beckett looked rather crestfallen. "But…but…baby, we can work it out!

"Holy fuck, it's an orgasm for my tastebuds!!"

Beckett, realizing that Norry was lost in the rapture of cake, slunk off to get his own slice. "Insensitive jerk."

"Oh yes! HELL yes!"

Liz inched over, looking rather scared at Norrington's cake-y pleasure. "Is it that good?"

"It got him away," Norrington said, "it's amazing."

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A/N: Uhm. So. I guess Norry has a swear-y side on him? Then again, if you couldn't tell, this IS AU.

Otherwise why would Norry be having a party?

And why can't I just call him "James"…? Oh well. Anyway. Review, rate, favorite, and pass the virus to your friends. xD


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: So I guess this is getting some nice reviews? Yaay!

Is it BUNDT or BUNT? No one knows. Well I don't. Bundt looks right but my computer says it's wrong… Foolish computer.

Oh! I don't own any of the board games. Yep!

Anyway. Read, review, favorite, subscribe, whatever it takes to get you to read this story! I'll even throw in…uhm… Something really really good!

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**Chapter Three: We named the monkey Jack, but he's really a Steve.**

With everyone sobering up, Norry decided that it was high time to break out the party games (seeing as everyone was sober, there was less chance of some horrible, sexually-inclined "mishap" on anyone's part).

"Alrighty! I have… Operation, Trivial Pursuit, Sorry!, Monopoly, and Parcheesi." Norry said, indicating a stack of boargames.

"No Twister?"

"Not with you here, Beckett."

"I'll just watch!! Or be the spinner!" he protested.

"NO!" Norry said, angrily. "I am NOT falling for 'Right Hand Crotch'!" Norrington sighed, shaking his head. "AGAIN!" Oh, the painful memories.

"It was left hand BECKETT'S crotch, duh."

Jack was looking rather confused, and cast his confuzzled gaze on both Beckett and Norrington. "Is there something going on between you two?"

"No!" Norrington yelled angrily, whilst Beckett said the same word, though in a much more dejected tone.

"Oh. Because if there was," Jack said with a smile, "you could join Will's singing group."

"Will has a singing group?" Beckett asked, looking rather interested.

"He's a lovely soprano, Cutler old chap," Jack nodded solemnly.

"I am NOT!" Will said. However, his voice cracked at a most inopportune moment.

"Can we just play Twister?" Liz asked, looking impatient.

"No! It isn't safe!!" Norrington said, paling whiter than his powdered wig—which, thankfully, Beckett hadn't found yet.

"I'll be the spinner so Beckett doesn't try anything," Tia Dalma offered.

"You people have NO SOULS!" Norry said, panicking. "No souls!!"

"Actually, we don't have any hearts," Will said, gesturing to Davy and himself.

"WHATEVER!"

After quite a bit of (decidedly not friendly) persuasion, and a few threats, the rest of the party-goers managed to get Norrington to play. Of course, Liz and Will joined in, and so did Jack. Beckett was attached at the hip to Norrington and so was ecstatic to join in.

"Alrighty!" Will said, handing the spinner to Barbossa because Tia Dalma was otherwise engaged. Barbossa was not playing because of (getting) baaaack problems.

"Right, there'll be no cheatin' or thievin' in this game! Or else ye'll be helpin' me peel a whole bushel o' apples!" Barbossa growled, taking about out of said apple. "And who's gonna play?"

Liz, Jack, Will, Beckett, and Norry raised—or were forced to raise—their hands.

"Won't this be _great_, Norry?" Beckett asked, swinging his hand, which was still holding Norry's, back and forth.

"It'll be something…" Norrington muttered, making a pained face.

"Alright, ye scurvy dogs, right hand blue!"

The game proceeded without much interruption. In fact, Norry was even beginning to enjoy himself, although this was probably just because he was winning.

"Well now," Barbossa said, eyeing the remaining two contestants (Norry and Jack). "Now this one's a bit odd… Left foot green!"

This caused Norry to have to slide his leg under Jack's, and Jack having to reachi his foot over Norry's torso, which resulted in a very awkward position indeed. Another unfortunate and unforeseen circumstance of this was that Beckett got quite jealous and started plotting something. Something BAD.

"Mr. Sparrow, can you PLEASE not sit on my stomach?" Norrington asked, looking downright revolted.

"Oi, then don't be getting so friendly with my leg! We're playing Twister, not footsie."

"I can't believe you're that flexible, James!" Liz exclaimed. "You're like a contortionist!"

"A gift which is most wasted by him," Beckett mused sadly.

"One learns miraculous things when one has to escape from certain creepulous LORDS all the time!"

Beckett glowered at Norry and went back to plotting something in his mind. Something that was closer, much closer, than Norrington expected.

"Left hand—"

"CROTCH!"

"Damnit!" Norrington cursed, having just done it (again). However, his trials were far from over. At that moment, Beckett lunged at Norry, who was now only supported by his feet and an arm. Beckett latched himself onto Norry's leg with a grin.

"Oh I knew you wouldn't choose that louse infected, disease carrying, horribly drunk, licentious pirate over me!" he said happily. "I knew our bond was special!"

"There never was a 'bond'!" Norrington said, trying to pry his leg away from Beckett's affections. "And I wouldn't choose EITHER of you!"

"Oh I'm so glad you've remained true!"

"There was never anything to remain true to!"

"Norry-boots!" Beckett shrieked, clinging tighter to the commodore's leg. "How can you say that?"

Norrington, quite fed up with the situation, grabbed the nearest thing to him and started beating Beckett over the head. This thing turned out to be the monkey, Jack.

"Hey man!" 'Jack' said, his voice thick with a distinctly Jamaican accent. "Why you do that for? I'm a person too!"

"You're a MONKEY!" Norry said, looking rather scared.

"No, boy, he be Jack!" Barbossa said.

"Oi, man! My name's Steve," the monkey said.

"…YOU'RE A MONKEY!"

"He's a Steve!" Liz corrected.

"Can someone PLEASE get Beckett off me? I don't appreciate my ANKLES LOSING THEIR VIRGINITY!"

"I don't think you're ever gonna lose your virginity, mate," Jack said, shaking his head, the Twister game evidently forgotten.

Norrington shook his leg, trying to get Beckett off of it. "That's not true!" he said. "There are beautiful girls in Tortuga who love me very much!!" The 'in Tortuga' bit, however, was whispered rather quickly.

"Where?"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER!" Norry said, poking Beckett with a sword. "Get off me, you weirdie!"

"I'll never let go, James!"

"GET OFF!" He finally managed to get his leg rid of Beckett's grasp. "Anyone have some Lysol?"

"Here," Davy Jones said, offering Norry a bottle, which was dripping with muck.

"No thanks," Norry said, edging away from the Tentacled Beastie, as Jack had referred to Davy in his drunkenness.

Jack, or Steve, hopped onto Norry's shoulder. "Hey, man, why can't we be friends?"

"Why can't we be friends?"

"Why can't we be friends!"

"I dunno why we can't be friends!"

"You ruined the song!!" Steve said, shaking his head sadly.

"I didn't know there WAS A SONG!"

Steve smiled. "Don't worry about a thing! Every little thing's gonna be alright"!

Norry sighed, handing Steve back to Barbossa. "I think you found the reincarnation of Bob Marley."

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A/N: Ok So I think "Why Can't we Be Friends" was written by War, and I don't know who wrote the other one (I know it's sung by the Jamaican Jellyfish in Shark Tale xD). I don't think it's Bob Marley, however

Yes! Chapter four coming soon! REVIEW AND ENJOY!


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: This chapter was ridiculously hard to write. Like, man. It was bad.

See previous chapters for disclaimers as to who I don't own.

And as always, READ AND REVIEW!

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**Chapter Four: That's Ex-Commodore Drunkington to YOU, buddy!**

With the Twister game over and done with, the guests now turned to a new form of amusement. This generally involved bothering Norrington, who was trying to cleanse his leg of Beckett's presence, in vain.

Jack sauntered over. "Why hallo thar," he said sweetly.

"What on earth do you want," Norry said, scrubbing his leg up with a bar of soap.

"DON'T DROP THE SOAP!" Jack screamed in Norry's ear, which resulted in the droppage of said soap and an all-too-pleased looking Beckett.

"You spilled tea on yourself," Norry said, daintily going to pick up the soap. "What sort of weirdie drinks tea while his ship is being demolished?"

"Hey," Beckett scoffed, "you were killed by fishface over there."

"… Will you all shut up! And Davy, stop impersonating me being killed!" Norry said, throwing a towel at Mr. Jones.

"What, it was funny!"

"That's just mean! I don't make fun of how you died…" Norry scowled, sitting down on the couch and looking rather surly. So much for a 'fun party'.

"James Norrington," Liz sighed, sinking down on the couch next to him. "What has the world done to you?"

Norry looked over at her. "Made me really really ridiculously good-looking?"

"Oh." Liz said, taken aback. She had been thinking more along the lines of 'ruined me and my good name' or something. "Want a drink?"

Norry shrugged, taking a long gulp. "Wow. That's good."

"Oh yeah. Jack buys the best," Liz said, nodding appreciatively.

"And how on earth would you know that, Mrs. Turner?" Norry asked, giving Liz a pointed stare.

"Oh, be quiet, James," Liz said, blushing a horrible shade of red.

"OOOOOH INFIDELITY!!!" Beckett said, popping up behind Liz and James.

"Will you _shut up_?" Norrington yelled, dumping a bottle of rum on Beckett's head. "Oh god! I'm so sorry!"

Beckett sniffed. "It's ok, Norry-boots."

"Not you," Norrington scoffed. "The RUM!" His voice sounded decidedly more slurred. "I'm sorry it had to touch your midget little head."

"I am NOT a MIDGET!" Beckett said, clearly offended. "Just because I'm 5'5"…"

"Miiiiiiiiiiidgeeeeeeeeeet!" Norry snickered, dancing around Becket, pointing and laughing. "Go back to Munchkin Land, Munchkin Man! AHAHAH!"

"Why must you hurt me in this way, Norry?" Beckett sniffed, inching away.

A few minutes and 50 bottles later, Norrington was, for lack of a better word, puking drunk. Minus the puking.

"Alright you lot!" he slurred, getting to his feet. "Line up in an orderly line!"

"I prefer orderly circles, m'self," Jack said.

"For what?" Tia Dalma asked.

"Because I say so!!"

"James, are you—"

"That's EX Commodore Drunkington to YOU, Missy!" James said, throwing a bottle cap at Liz. "You sicken me, skankish one."

"I'm not a skank!" Liz said, looking rather offended.

"Yes, you are!" Will said, looking hurt and depressed. "Kissing Jack and all that…"

"You wanted to die, then?!"

"You didn't have to KISS HIM!"

"He isn't even that GOOD!" Liz said.

"My GOD! You compared!!!"

Liz gave Will a dark glare. "Hey," she said, eyes narrowing. "You have a KNEE fetish!" She shook her head in disgust. "Getting all…fondle-y…with my knee!"

"You know you liked it," Will muttered. "Besides! You kissed 4 men in 3 movies!"

"Norrington kissed _me_!" Liz said, scowling. "And I'm pretty sure Sao Feng constituted as 'rape'."

"Excuses excuses!"

"MISS SCARLETTTTTTTTT!" Norrington screamed, pointing at Barbossa.

"What?" the captain asked, dropping his apple in shock. "I most certainly ain't your harlot of a plant, boy!"

"I'll be your harlot, James…"

"Liz is all the harlot this story needs, thanks," James muttered, pushing Beckett away. "Creepy little—"

"YOU KISSED ME!!!!"

"I must have been going delusional," Norry said, glowering at Will. "HOLY FLYING DUTCHMAN, BATMAN!"

"Eep!" Will shrieked, hiding behind Jack. "It came to get me…"

Jack shook his head and pushed Will towards the door, where some tentacles dragged him back to the Dutchman, kicking and screaming.

Beckett was fuming on the couch, when all of a sudden, Norrington—er, Drunkington—plopped down into his lap.

"Cutler, old boy," the Drunk One said, shaking his head and wrapping his arm around the other's shoulders.

"Y-y-yes, Norry-boots?"

"There's something I gotta tell you, Becky-boo."

Beckett's eyes lit up and his arms wrapped around Norrington. This was the best day EVER! So good things really DID come to those who waited! Goodness, he felt faint. "Oh, yes, Norrington? What is it, dear?"

Norry sighed, smiling down at Beckett. "I… I… I NEVER GOT A PONY!"

"I'll be your pony, James!" Beckett offered, smiling up at Norry, who was now looking rather distraught. "You can ride me!"

"NO!" Norrington yelled. "I WANT A PONY! A real pony! Not a midget pony!!" He got out of Beckett's lap and scowled, pointing a finger at Cutler. "You FOOL! How can you offer to be a pony, you midget munchkin with kissable lips!?"

"With… Oh, Norry-boots!" Beckett said, looking about to swoon. "I knew you loved me!"

Once again, Beckett attached himself to Norrington's leg. "Oh, Norrington!"

Norrington gave Beckett a cold stare. "You…"

"Me what?" Beckett asked eagerly, petting Norry's leg. "What can I do for you?"

"YOU LET THEM KILL MISS SCARLET!!!" Norrington gave an outraged yell and started to violently shake Beckett. "YOU! LET! THEM! KILL! MY! BABY!!"

"AHHHHHHHH!" Beckett wailed, his wig coming unglued from his head. "SOMEBODY HELP ME! PLEEEEEEEEEEASE!"

"FICUS KILLER!!" Norrington yelled, still shaking Beckett back and forth. "Die, fiend, die! DIE DIE DIE!"

Beckett was looking more and more like a rag doll with every shake, his wig and arms and extremities were flailing about in the wind as Norrington kept screaming about the injustices done to Miss Scarlet.

Liz ran over and tried to pull the two apart. "Somebody help me!" she said, looking back at Jack, Barbossa, Tia Dalma, and Davy, who were sitting around and playing Uno. "James is going to kill Beckett!"

"UNO! HAHAHA! TAKE THAT!"

"JACK!"

"Oh, sorry," he said, looking over at the two. "We're supposed to care?"

"DIEEEEE, YOU HERBICIDAL MANIAC!!! DIEEEEE!"

"Please?"

"Fine," Jack sighed, running in between the two. "Gentlemen this is enough!"

"But he killed Miss Scarlet!!"

"That was Davy Jones, actually—"

"THEN I'LL KILL HIM!"

"Then you'll have to be the Flying Duchman's captain—"

"Then I'll be EX-COMMODORE CAPTAIN DRUNKINGTON!" James laughed manically. "And I'll have all the ficuses I want!"

"Isn't it fici?"

"Don't question me!"

Eventually they got the two separated and tried to sober Norrington up.

"I never got a dog, either…"

"I have a dog," Beckett ventured nervously. "It comes when you call its name."

Liz gave him a look. "You're sick."

* * *

A/N: Credit goes to LEAH for the pony and dog lines. Hehe. THANK YOU LEAH for saying those. xDD

Review and enjoy! Chap. 5 coming soon!!! Yeah. As soon as I think what will HAPPEN in it. xD


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Here we are! I didn't expect this story to be so popular… It's sort of BAD because I'm running out of ideas! Haha. Errr.

Anyway. Guess what (and who) I don't own? That's right.

I wish I did. BUT ALAS! 'Twas not to be. -sob-

I also found myself wondering what Norrington's middle name is. I was half-tempted to make it Fitzwilliam but I decided against it. Haha. Oh well... xD

* * *

**Chapter Five: Friends Don't Let Friends Pillage Drunk!**

"Alright. I propose a restraining order on Norrington," Jack said, shaking his head. "Just so he doesn't try to kill Beckett in some gruesome, violent fashion that would bump this story up to an M rating."

"I think you bump it up that far yourself," Norrington muttered, taking a sip of rum. "Don't be so prudish, you rotten piece of fruit."

Jack gave Norrington a sharp glare. "You need to sober up!" He looked slightly hurt. "I am not a piece of fruit."

Beckett was busy cowering behind Liz, looking rather frightened. "Please don't let him hurt me! He frightens me, Lizzy!"

"You're starting to frighten me, Becky," Liz said.

Norrington sighed and looked around the room. "Hey… Aren't we pirates?"

"That depends," Jack said. "Why?"

"Shouldn't we go pillage or something?" Norrington asked. "We ran out of booze!"

"You don't just pillage booze!" Davy Jones said. "That's insane!"

"Besides, you, ye'll get a P.U.I.!" Barbossa growled.

Norrington scoffed. "What on earth is a P.U.I.?"

"Pillaging Under the Influence!" Barbossa said, making inane facial expressions to get his point across.

"That is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard! Who on earth came up with that?!" Norrington asked.

Beckett raised his hand sheepishly. "It can eliminate accidental pillaging! Therefore, the seas will be safe again!"

"Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that head of yours," Jack said. "Were the seas ever safe?"

"No, but now we can lower the amount of pillaging-related deaths!" Beckett said, sighing dramatically. "But if you want to die from having your ship get rammed into by some loser who's under the influence, be my guest."

"You really ought to team up with Lizzie," Jack said. "You two can have rum-burning parties and make everyone else's life utterly miserable and depressing," he sighed.

"Oh… Is that so…" Beckett said, giving Elizabeth a shy glance.

"I'm married!"

"So far we've prevented 50 ships from being rammed into…"

"Me ship gets rammed into anyway!" Jack and Barbossa said at the same time.

"It's my ship!"

"No, boy, it be mine!"

"Not again," Liz sighed, sitting down.

With all the commotion, no one noticed that Norrington had gotten hold of a phone book and a phone…

"Hello, is this All State?" he asked, sounding somewhat more sober than before. "Can I get insurance? Yes, for a vehicle. For a large ghost ship. No I'm not kidding! It's a real— OH OF COURSE IT'S GOT BLACK SAILS!"

Beckett had stormed off to go preach his P.U.I. warning to others in attendance.

"What do you think it's called? The Black Pearl, you dolt!!! No I am not kidding!!" Norrington said, sounding quite frustrated that he couldn't get any insurance. "Of course it's got a title, shitwit! Uh… It says it belongs to Elizabeth Swann!"

Everyone paused and turned to look at Liz.

"What?" she asked innocently.

"You dare ask what?" Barbossa growled, pointing at Liz. "You stole me boat, ye saucy, raunchy pirate wench!"

"YOUR boat? It's MY boat!!" Jack said.

"No, boy, it be my—"

"Oh, SHUT UP!" Beckett said, clearly fed up. "The boat obviously belongs to Miss Swann, seeing as her name is on the title! Really!"

"But her name really ISN'T Lizzie Swann anymore," Jack said, smiling. "Q.E.D., NO ONE owns the boat!"

Norrington sighed and stood up. "Q.E.D., I am going to pillage the bathroom…"

"Is that code?" Jack asked.

"Yes. Code for shut up or I'm gonna puke on…well I doubt it'd do anything if I puked on you," Norrington scowled and started off.

"Was that an insult?" Jack asked.

"HEY! HEY! You never give me your money!" Beckett said, accosting Norrington en route.

"Uh… Only the funnies, why?"

"Because you OWE ME, you jerk!"

Norrington blushed at the reminder. "Ooh. Uh, can you…wait? I'll give you the money in a few, ok?"

Everyone stared at the two, but then turned their attention towards the missing name on the title to the Black Pearl.

"HOLY FRICK ON A STICK!"

With that, everyone ran upstairs to the bathroom, which Norry had just ran out of.

"What's wrong?" Tia Dalma asked.

"The…the… Just look, will you?!"

They poked their heads into the bathroom and were utterly terrified.

"Oh goodness." Liz said.

Sitting in the toiled was the Flying Dutchman. Will Turner, it seemed, had been catapulted forward and was wedged in the bathtub, squirming around pitifully.

"Will!" Liz said, looking rather happy. "There you are!"

"Get me out of this thing!" Will moaned, his back twitching, along with his extremities.

"Oh! Sorry," Liz said, helping him out.

About this time, Beckett stormed in.

"Give me your money, James Norrington, or this will be the last service I do for you in eternity!!" he said, sounding rather threatening as he had gotten hold of a megaphone and a stool.

Everyone stared at Norrington, who fished out five dollars and gave them to Beckett. "Here, here, don't have a cow…"

"What was that about?" Will asked.

Beckett smiled and handed Norry a brown paper bag. "Here you go."

Norry smiled happily and looked inside. "WHAT SORT OF TOMFOOLERY IS THIS?!!"

"What?"

"I SAID TALCUM POWDER! NOT BABY POWDER, YOU…YOU…" Norry threw the bag at Beckett. "YOU MIDGET WITH A MEGAPHONE!"

Beckett got doused in baby powder. "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!"

"Give me my money back, shrimpstick!!"

"SOMEONE HELP MEEEE!" Beckett wailed, running down the hall in fear.

Liz turned to Will. "Why does Norrington want talcum powder, anyway?"

"It puts the powder in powdered wig!"

Norry was chasing Beckett up and down the hall, screaming profanities and death threats. Beckett, since he was covered in powder, was making people cough and getting everything dirty. Not to mention, he looked like a crackbaby.

"You fail, shrimpstick. EPIC, DISGUSTING, MURDEROUS FAIL!" he said, shaking his fist. "EPIC, DIS—OH GOD!"

And with that, he ran back to the bathroom to pillage—er, puke.

Beckett looked rather relieved and rather like a powdered donut. "Wow. That was scary. Does he have an artistic temperament or something?"

"I think it's you that puts him over the edge…"

"Oh." With that, Beckett walked off to go de-powderize himself.

Davy Jones ran in not five minutes later. "I have TERRIBLE news!!!"

* * *

A/N: Oh dear! What is this terrible news?! I don't know. Wait a bit and you'll see. How about THAT for a cliffhanger?

Hah. Remember: READ, REVIEW, and ENJOY. Whoowhoo!


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